Dear LPG,

If anyone had told me 10 years ago that I would be looking for a residential or care home for one of my parents, I would have said that it would never happen, but  I now know why being a person living alone can sometimes be quite dangerous and a bad idea.  It is really difficult to see the parent that you have always know to be independent become frail and vulnerable, and even though it often happens really slowly, the realisation often hits hard and quite suddenly. To make things worse it is often even harder for the person affected to accept the reality of the situation.

Health conditions that limit physical and mental mobility have a way of slowly but surely, making living alone more of a risk.   Many gradually develop a condition which means that you need to be monitored day and night, or a sudden accident can make it impossible for you to manage alone; even with the help of round-the-clock carers.   It is also true that the family, friends and professionals of the person who is experiencing these problems can see them much more clearly than the person themselves.

However you look at it, losing independence is hard for anyone after having had it for so long.  So even if you could move to be with your relative, have no immediate family members to consider, or have the space in your home to invite your elderly relative, or friend, to move in with you, there are many things to consider. 

Regardless of whether your older relative lives alone or with family, often the simplest items in our homes, the things that we take for granted, become dangerous.  Stairs, kitchen appliances, heating, the bathroom and so many other basic things, could become a challenge.  Could it be that those furnishings and other things we take for granted become non user-friendly for our older relative?   Will moving them away from their older friends be hard for them, would there be potential new friends.

There is also the time aspect of such a move.  Could you continue to work, would it be right to leave your new houseguest alone during the day?  Time often loses its significance for an older person; could you be available to look after them while staying awake night and day? (Home staff members work different shifts; which allow them the sleep that you would miss out on).  How would you keep a housebound person occupied, work and fit your other activities in?  If there is physical disability and mobility problems moving such a person can have implications for your health (at a home there are hoists and more people to do such things).   

There is also something important about making sure that your houseguest does not end up feeling special, dependant or like a burden. (If an older person is living with people who need as much or even more care than they do, perhaps they do not feel as singled out, and seeing others who are more dependent than themselves can sometimes change their perceptions about how disadvantaged or unhappy they are).

As one gets older there is a tendency to stop doing the normal things.  Watching TV, reading and even talking to others can lose its appeal.  This can be hard to cope with for a carer who, if providing 24 hour care, can become irritable and tired.  So perhaps regular visits to see your parent for a couple of hours per day allows the time that you spend with them to have more quality then the 24/7 challenge of always being there.

Regular visits are paramount if your relative suffers from any degree of dementia because a familiar face and regular chat about family will help them to remember longer.

So if this happens to one of your relatives what are their alternatives; living with a child (and perhaps the rest of that child’s family), having carers visit throughout the day, or moving to a home where help and care is available day or night.  

Perhaps regular visits to see your older relative for a couple of hours per day allows that time to have more quality with you then the 24/7 challenge of always being there can afford.

Some will be able to be cared for by family but this often requires 24/7 care which, even if a carer has all the time in the world, can be impossible.  A spouse of similar age could have their own illness or disability to contend with, while children are often working with insufficient room in their houses, or time in their lives to afford proper care no matter how much they would want to.   

The whole experience has taught me one thing; my turn to be in this position is coming and could arrive a lot sooner than I ever thought.  

RO,  Downham