Dear LPG,

My Dad is now well into his nineties and lives in a care home on the outskirts of the Borough of Lewisham.  Though other family members make intermittent visits to see him, I try to see him every day having missed about ten days this year.  I understand from the staff it is often the case that one family member will take the time to visit more often than the others, and I also take on board that I am the only retired child that he has at the moment. 

I have always thought that repetition (practice) is the best way to learn, or in this case remember things,  and I hope that seeing me every day will help him to remember his family for as long as possible.

I stay with him for an average of about an hour each day, although some days that can be as long as two hours, and on others I will only visit for a really short time. 

I have seen and read about how hard it is to see a family member gradually beginning to forget, and though it has always made perfect sense there is nothing like having that experience to bring home exactly how that feels, although I expect it has different effects on different family members.

The hardest thing for me is working out how to say goodbye at the end of each visit.  When I broach the subject my Father will often say something like “I’ll just get my coat then and we can be off”.  It is then I have to remind him that he is not going with me and I find his reaction to that news really hard to deal with.  Because he does not remember I have to relive his surprize and disappointment on a daily base.

I have tried telling him that I am just going to do something, but promising that I will be back in a minute does not seem fair.  I have also tried explaining what I need to do next and adding what he has to do, which can soften the blow for him sometimes.  But I find that, if possible, it is best to visit an hour or two before his meal or bed time so that when the time to leave comes, I can say goodbye and remind him of the very important thing he is going to do, and add the less significant thing that I have to do next as well.  

It is a coping strategy that I hope I can share with others who may just find it helpful.

BR, Lewisham