Dear LPG

I can’t be the only person who has experienced this problem.

I am a 74-year-old lady who lives alone and has only one sister living local to me now, but I have a good relationship with her and also with most of my younger family members, even though many of them now live varying distances away from London (let alone Lewisham), though I still manage at home while she is in sheltered accommodation.  

The entirety of our families next generation all chose to move and live outside London but their children all seem to think that London is the place to get a good job and an education.

The fact that it can be really hard to find somewhere to rent in the suburbs these days is common knowledge, so when my grand-nephew asked if he could stay with me while he studied, I really looked forward to the prospect.  I looked forward to a bit of company.

I have to say that his stay was eventful although I never found myself host to any unannounced visitors or student parties, I would come down in the morning to find the then 24 year old with earphones in his ears with the result that when I said good morning he could not hear me.  He had a habit of rearranging the things he used so that when I went to the place where they were supposed to be, they were never there.  He would often get home at, what in my estimation seemed really late at night, which reminded me of how I used to feel when my children were that age and left me worrying.   He always asked, but often wanted to watch TV programmes that I would rather not see and perhaps the most disappointing thing was that I still found myself eating alone most of the time, even though having to do less of that was the aspect of sharing my home with him that I looked forward to the most.  The little things started to add up and I really did not feel at home in my home any more for a while, but we got through the year and now, when he visits, I think we talk more than we ever did when he was staying with me.  We were lucky because we both got something positive out of the experience.  He got through his course and my year was a lot more eventful than it has been for a while. 

We had agreed that he was staying for the duration of his study and after a while I got used to him.  I have to admit to missing him when he moved away.  I also have to admit that at the beginning of his stay talking to people at the day centre that I attend kept me sane, and I talked quite a lot!

One day, not long after he left, I got into a conversation with two other ladies at the club I visit, who both live alone and have taken on younger family members, although they are not finding the experience as manageable as me.  They think that I know all the answers, but I really don’t know what to tell them.  Does LPG have any ideas?

AP, Bromley.

LPG has found quite a bit of information on the subject but it appears that on the Internet, this is a problem that parents of young adults have rather than grandparents.  We have also found information aimed at people who are staying in others homes and wonder if asking them to read some of this may help. 

We know that it can be really hard once you have agreed.  As DY observes it appears to be a really straightforward and mutually advantageous idea that often can ruin a perfectly healthy family relationship.  When grandchildren are involved it could be the case that relationships with their parents, your children, could also become stretched. 

So if you are thinking about sharing your home with any younger member of your family we suggest that you look at some of the information we have found because the problems are quite similar regardless of which generations are involved.  It may even be good to take a look at a simple tenancy agreement before you start regardless of if you plan to charge rent or not.

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