Dear LPG,

I want to write about something which I am experiencing for the first time in the early part of my retirement and which, although it is something that we rarely think about until it affects us personally, needs addressing.  As we get older it is more likely that we are going to encounter a time when a relative, friend or loved one has reached a state of semi-consciousness or unconsciousness. 

This is happening to my family now, and it tends to be the case that siblings stop visiting because it is emotionally hard to deal with, but I have often thought that this is a time when someone needs their family around them.

I try to see the object of my visits at least five times a week and my relative is now not talking very much and hardly acknowledging my presence.  That is hard in itself, but I believe that familiar voices and information are comforting to the patient and visitors need to communicate as best they can, so how do you go about being the best visitor you can be?

I have found the best thing to do is to talk as if I was talking to that person when they were able to hear exactly what I was saying, to be a positive way forward.  I think that it is important to put your most positive external appearance on, even though that may be really hard for you.   I suggest that prattling on about the weather, what is happening news-wise in the world and updating about what members of your family (or of people that you and the person you are visiting both know) are doing on the day are very useful subjects to start with. Don’t forget to update on the latest sport or soap goings-on.  Mention the odd anecdote even if it is a bit rude and I personally think that tactile interaction is important too; you will soon find out if holding a hand is not appreciated and I personally believe that it can give comfort and attract a reaction that could otherwise be missed.  So, if holding a hand is something you would normally do, and the staff are happy for you to continue to do so, do what would come naturally. 

If you are a member of more than one in a set of visitors, please don’t talk amongst yourselves about the person without considering how you would feel if what is said was said about you;  in fact as if they were not there.

 I am not going to divulge where I can be seen regularly displaying some fairly strange behaviour while I practice all this odd stuff, but I would ask that if you see someone laughing at their own jokes while quietly talking to an obviously semi-conscious or unconscious person, I would ask you to appreciate that it is for the benefit of the patient who is likely to be able to hear everything that is going on around them.  It is said that hearing is the sense that we are able to call upon for longest.

The last point is when talking about their state of health to a doctor or medical professional ask them to step away from the patient in a subtle way (I usually ask if we can look at, or get, notes or something else that has been forgotten in the corridor to take such professionals out of ear shot of the patient) to minimise any distressing information that they may hear.  Even though they are more than likely to have heard it all before.

 BR, Lewisham

LPG did find a little information…

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