Dear LPG, 

None of what I want to write about applies in every situation but I would like to hope that the idea could be added to the list of options we consider when we are placed in the following position.

I am a pre-pensioner not that young but today I want to talk about an even older person than myself; my Mother.  She has lived alone since all her children and her husband left our childhood home and she is now in her late 80s.  She thinks that she is managing just fine on her own but, in spite of the fact that all her children are nearing retirement, none of them have actually arrived which means there is no one to spend time with her during the week days. 

We worry about her as she gets more unsteady on her feet which has resulted in the odd fall and the reality that she does not get out as much as she used to.  We all visit to take her out shopping and to lunch during the weekends and evenings, but even though none of us live that far away geographically, she does spend quite a lot of the weekdays and nights on her own.

It is a hard conversation to have but we children (as old as we are), have all discussed the way forward with her and we agree that the obvious solution would not suit her at all.    Moving to a residential home would be one way forward but we just know that it would be awful for her.

I cannot help putting myself in her place and thinking that I would hate to have to leave the home that I have lived in for so long, and that path somehow leads to the inevitable care home situation.

We don’t think that our mum is ready to lose her liberty yet.  There is something special about being free to go out whenever you like even if it is practically impossible to do so without help.

We have seen an uncle go through this process.  Firstly, there was the move into sheltered housing followed by carers visiting for times a day, but this left long periods where he was alone and even with some degree of dementia, having to leave his home and possessions in the first place was awful.

But we have come up with another alternative.  Our Mum has a house which she wants to leave to us but now she has paid for it, it can pay for the bulk of her care. This would be true which ever care route she chooses but there is the option of weekday 24/7 care at her home so that someone is always with her day and night while we children organise ourselves to deal with the weekends.  It is not cheap but from the little bit of research we have done so farm we have calculated that this option could well work out cheaper than her living in a residential or care home full time.  It would also mean that there was always someone with her when one of us children cannot be while between us, we will either stay with her or at her home on a rota basis.  This way, with the commitment of her four children it would affect each of us for one weekend per month and she would have someone around to take her out if she wants to go. 

Like all the alternatives there are pros and cons but the UK care industry is getting better and this arrangement would mean that she could spend longer in the house that she has called home for so long, and the added bonus is that she will never have to be ‘alone’ even when one of us, or a friend

is not visiting.  While a care home could still be ultimately inevitable, it would mean that she could spend more time at home, not alone. 

I hope to update when we have more information and experience to share.

This is the way that we hope our Mother will consider but we have not even started to work out the costings yet.  I just wanted to share our thoughts so far in case there are any other readers facing a similar scenario.

TA, Beckenham

LPG has found one website which could help to give an idea of the practicalities and costings involved…

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… and also some agencies that can point to and help you choose how to provide care that best suits.

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