Dear LPG,

I went to visit a troubled aunt who recently received a letter which had worried her.  She is from the era when everyone bought those small life insurance policies where the premium used to be collected by an agent who would visit each month until he disappeared and you were persuaded to pay by changing to direct debit, and that you now have forgotten for the most part.  They perhaps write to her once or twice a year.  This one was explaining that it was now possible for all this companies clients to manage their accounts on line.

It is when you receive a letter like that that you realise just how colourful the English language is when compared to others, and just how the inference of meaning can be changed.  With phrases like ‘we now advise you of our website where you can manage this account online’ and depending on the sentences that precede and follow it, it Is really easy to understand it to mean that you have to do that. 

The letter that my aunt received got her really worried because, although she has some knowledge of the internet, she does not feel equipped to be involved with money and her computer at the same time.

I would advise anyone who gets a letter which mentions online management of a financial account to phone the company and find out whether they are being given a directive or offered a new way of contacting the company concerned.  In a lot of cases you will find that it is really the latter scenario that is the case.

Companies continue to aim to do the most amount of work with the least amount of effort, so it is in their interests to get you to do all the work you can for them without approaching real members of staff. 

Like the government and our local councils, most companies have worked out that people who work for them have a habit of needing to be paid for their services.  These staff members also need dinner and tea breaks and have a habit of developing medical and personal problems which result in days off.  So if they can get you, their clients, to do the work for them they can seriously reduce the size of their human workforce, the resulting wage bill and the problems that come with it.  In short, the more work they can get you to do for them; the less people they have to employ.  Computers don’t need to sleep or be paid, and employing a few people to maintain them is much less expensive for them while the nation’s workforce gets smaller and smaller.

I suppose my aunt is lucky, she has me.  So my advice if you get a letter that implies in any way that you have to get online to continue to get information that you are used to receiving by making a telephone enquiry, is to telephone the company and check if that letter is an invitation or a directive.  If you can get a more capable family member or friend to make the call for you this is also a good plan of action. 

Also, remember that companies want to minimise their outgoings but would be nowhere without you, their customers, which puts you in a pretty powerful position.  They are only dictating to us because we are allowing them to. 

Ways of writing a letter implying the necessity to do something that is optional is an art form and science, which companies employ people to study.  We need to be able to read between the lines and remember that the customer may not always be right anymore, but these companies cannot do without them.

YC, Deptford