Dear LPG,

For three years, before he died, I spent a lot of time visiting my dad who lived in a care home and I, like my siblings, did try to get there at least a couple of times a week, if even just for half an hour. 

It was not an ideal situation but, we had little choice as he needed more care than any of his family could give.  During those visits I noticed that the staff tried their best to do everything they could for the residents in spite of the resentment that was often offered in return, and I began to realise that spending your whole life in there must have been a bit like having an extended holiday. In fact, my father often talked to me about the holiday he was having and he referred to the nurses as hotel staff.

As far as I could see they tried to pre-empt his every need and no one disagreed with him as much as possible.  As far as was possible the residents would not be forced to do anything, eat anything or go to bed until they wanted to and, there was little to do apart from watching the TV. I tried activities such as playing cards or doing crosswords where I managed to involve some of the other residents, and taking family pictures for him to look at.  I can remember feeling that it might be quite nice to live like that for a while.  But as with everything else, that feeling passed and, from where I was observing, the novelty wore off quite quickly even though I was just visiting.  I think that I would find an environment where everything is ‘nice’ all the time really hard to live with.

I have to admit to not always agreeing with everything he said when we talked and, every now and then, I would make a point of letting him know that I respected his opinion but disagreed somewhat.  Our differing positions on some subjects ensured that everything I said to him was not what he would always have preferred to hear, and he often disagreed with my point of view. 

I think that we continued to have real chats, as opposed to sugar coated ones, because I felt that it was important for him to exercise his opinions and have conversations that he could get his teeth into.   I also think that some members of my family disagreed with my tactics but, to me, approaching every conversation we had from a somewhat patronising stand point, would not have helped.  I think that his age never stopped me remembering who he was and that was the key to trying my best to keep him on his ‘mental’ toes. 

It has been a while now but I found it interesting to find a video or two that sort of verged on agreeing with my thoughts that all people, while taking into account their ability rather than their age, need to have their routines and thoughts stimulated and not be patronised…

RE, Catford

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