Dear LPG,

Here is a bit of a conundrum.  There is a neighbour who lives near me and I suppose I have made into my own personal project. We are about the same age and have lived in the same road for more years than I care to remember.  We used to chat a bit about the top layer of our respective lives, when waiting for our children to come out of primary school back then, and continued to say hello to each other and stop for the odd-catch up as those children went to different secondary schools, and then onto respective jobs, those children being the main focus of our conversations.  In fact, for all those five-minute chats we have had as we pass each other on the street, I did not get to know her better until recently.

It is as if time crept by while we were not looking, and we have both grown considerably older now, but she has become less mobile than me over the years, finding herself relatively housebound and, while her children do visit when they can, I now feel that she is in need of a friend that does more than stop for a quick chat in the street, and also take note that there have become fewer and fewer opportunities to do that. 

Over the past couple of years, I have found myself knocking on her front door almost daily and we have shared some slightly more personal chats which have left me thinking that she does not have many visitors.

I have another friend who finds herself in a similar situation, and who recently mentioned another of our neighbours who visits her a lot, and who sometimes gets on her nerves although she would never tell her that. When I thought about that conversation it got me thinking.  I wonder if, in spite of my resolve to be there for her, I am outstaying my welcome with my visits to the other neighbour. 

There are only so many times that you can ask how someone is and what they have been up to, and she often does not have a lot to say in answer to those questions when I visit.   I feel that, for all the years that have passed, we are still acquaintances that keep what we talk about quite shallow, and  I wonder if I am getting on my neighbour’s nerves.

I have told other friends how I feel and one of them said something that has really made a difference.  She advised me to talk more about my problems and look for a little advice during my visits and it has made a real difference.

I think that it has reminded me that people like to be able to help others and sharing my problems has made her more willing to do the same. 

I suppose that I am trying to pass the advice that I was given on because I am sure that my friendship with my neighbour is not unique and that there must be many people who visit neighbours, friends and family in the hope that we are helping to fill their days while worrying that we are getting on their nerves. 

Letting them become your agony aunt (or uncle) is a really good way to make them feel useful again, and I have also found that my neighbour has given me a lot of good advice and helped me to look at many of my problems from a new perspective. 

MM, Catford.