Dear LPG,

I have adapted a poem which I hope reflects the sentiments of the season in a new light and that I hope will provoke a smile or two…

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem,

but then if it's politically correct than it cannot be a Christmas Poem.

"Twas the night before the "annual seasonal holiday" and Santa's a wreck,
How to live in a world that's politically correct.
His workers would no longer answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the Union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And Equal Employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with four pigs, and that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh,
The ruts were termed dangerous by health and safety.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof tops.
Second hand pipe smoke had his workers frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened".
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose.
And had gone on Lorraine, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a tizz,
Demanding from now on her title be Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such a commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
No candy or sweets - they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football-someone could get hurt,
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé',
And electronic gaming would rot your brain clean away.
So Santa stood there, disheveled, perplexed,
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed - a gift that he might
Give to all without upsetting the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion,
Every ethnicity, every hue, everyone everywhere - even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth -
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

MM, Kent.