Dear LPG,

Having read a couple of LPG posts about cold calling and nuisance calls recently, I feel that I must let my fellow LPG readers know of a deterrent that arrived with my phone many years ago.  I am talking about a phone that I bought this side of the 21^st century but only just, with the intention of replacing the hand set attached to my land line.  It was one of the cheapest ones that I found available at the time, in fact I think that I bought it at a market stall. 

When I got it home I thought that I had got myself a real bargain, but when I attached it to the wall socket and worked out how to set it up I found the problem.  It worked perfectly but in those days the telephone companies were not so ready to provide the voicemail service that we are used to today.  All that had to be done by recording your own outgoing message.

I wrote it all out, ‘I am sorry but I can’t get to the phone right now.  Please leave a message.’, but when I went to record it I must have pressed the wrong button because there was a recording of what sounded to me like a bunch of Taiwanese or Chinese children chatting and chanting some sort of nursery rhyme.  I don’t speak any other language but English, so I could only make a guess about what was being said.  

I was sure of two things at the time.  The first was the bewildered effect that hearing it for the first time had on the expression on my face and secondly, the fact that I could not shift it.  I decided to leave it until I could get some help but I have to say that for the next couple of weeks quite a few of my friends told me how bewildered they were when they tried to telephone me because there was a terrible fault on the line.

I explained and they all got used to it after a short while but although I tried a few times, I could not get my message added to the system.

In the end I left it there and after 20 years, it still confuses most of the people who use the phone including most of the scammers because, in comparison with the friends I have talked to about it, I hardly get any of those calls and when I do, I don’t answer the phone until the answerphone triggers.  My friends know that if they wait until after the weird noise and say a few words I will answer or they can leave a message, while anyone else hangs up.

So my advice is when setting up your outgoing answer phone message forget the announcement and go for the weirdest recording you can find to leave there instead. The possibilities are endless; heavy machinery, singing birds, a toilet flush or a baby crying, and don’t forget the Taiwanese singing children.  It really works!

CP, Lee

CP found some nauseating sounds in case they help…

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