Dear LPG, 

There are many ways that we can find ourselves feeling helpless even when we are really healthy and fully physically and mentally functional, and I found myself in one such predicament recently. 

As we age, we find ourselves with fewer and fewer people around us, but we usually soldier on regardless. That is until our health slows us down in some way. Most older people can think of someone they know who has reached that stage where no family member is near enough to help them make those crucial decisions when circumstances change overnight. 

I have a friend who has a few family members who now live abroad, but with minimal warning, she had a sudden stroke recently.  It prevented her from using her left arm and hand and supporting herself on her left leg.   Something like that would leave anyone confused and unable to think straight, and it was not long before she found herself in hospital being asked all sorts of questions that she understood but found herself too confused to answer.  

We are members of a group of four firm friends that spend quite a bit of time together, and it was a bit of a shock when the other three learned what had happened.  I visited as much as I could, as did a few of her other friends, and when comparing our thoughts on what we could do to help, we agreed that visiting to keep her spirits up was the best thing.  For the next week, we shared our concerns, but then came the day when I arrived, only to be turned away because the ward was infected with Covid-19.  

All we could do was phone, but we could not get any information about how she was because none of us are classed as ‘family’. 

A couple of days later, I got a call from the hospital because she had asked them to ask me a couple of questions that she did not feel she could answer. I found out that if the patient gives permission, someone they nominate can advocate for them and help answer those questions that the patient might not be able to.  If there is no one, the authorities will provide a professional who will do their best, but a friend who knows you might be a better option if you have one. 

The ward is clear of Covid now, and our friend is on the mend, but because she nominated her friends, we could find out more about how she was doing, and we were able to help when it came to all those questions that a daughter or son would have been asked if she had had any around.    

I think that the moral of my story is a bit of advice…

Anyone with few family members around should talk with friends and agree on a couple they might nominate to help in this way if the need arises. They must do it as soon as possible before they ever have a health scare. Another point is that we, as friends, must be ready to be nominated and think seriously about who can help us if anything like this happens.

Even if you are articulate and forthright, there are times when you might need a little help from your friends. 

MF, Lewisham.

LPG found some information about what happens if you find yourself without an advocate and need one…

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