Dear LPG

We old people, particularly ladies, talk about the oddest subjects when we get a cup of tea together.  We are both in our eighties now, but one of my neighbours and I often have a bit of a heart-to-heart about some of the most unexpected topics.    One morning, we were watching a television programme that mentioned that the average child is putting off leaving home for longer and longer these days.  It sparked a conversation that got us looking at what the internet had to say about the subject.  

It appears that the average bigger little one is putting off flying the nest for longer and longer. The statistics we found show that more of our little thirty-odd-year-olds are often still likely to be at home.  

However, the two of us concluded that it is not all about not wanting to leave the love and parental protection that we parents provide. It is fair to say that many of the older ones have been out there and realised that it is financially practical to make a return.

My friend’s 53-year-old did this about ten years ago, and she is grateful because one of the things we older people all have to think about is ending up alone.  She has other children who are married and visit, but she often tells me that, despite their disagreements about who does the washing up and all those things that get left in the wrong places, it is nice to know that, as we get older, someone else is around if you need something in the middle of the night.  

The truth is that the average child flies off boldly, and it is when things go either financially or romantically wrong for them that they decide to return to the comforts of home. 

It happened to me.   My son was 26 when he was devastated.   His live-in fiancée announced that she was leaving, and he decided to move back home.  I told him that he could not.  I told him that he could bring his washing, store his things, have his meals and do anything else he wanted, but he had to make other sleeping arrangements.   I must admit there was an alternative; my brother had a spare room just down the road, and my beloved son would never enjoy living with his uncle for long. 

I remember him telling me I was a hard-hearted mother, but I think my veto of his plan was right.  He soon bought a flat, then a house met his wife-to-be and produced two of my five grandchildren. I enjoyed having him around a bit more often for a while. I supplied a local shoulder for him to cry on when he needed it, and spending time with him was excellent. At the same time, he made serious use of my front loader’s availability for washing and the storage facility that his old bedroom afforded him.  During those first couple of months, there were many heart-to-heart chats, but why I would not let him stay was never discussed.  But I think he thought I was the cruellest mother ever. 

Five years later, he told me he understood why I would not let him move back home.  Had I let him, he would have probably still been there and too worried to move out for fear of leaving me alone. While anything can happen and situations change quickly, I hope I made a hard but necessary decision for both of us back then.  It might have been easier to let him stay, but if I had, I am sure things might have been very different now.  

Please don’t think that I believe my experience to be the perfect ‘one fits all’ solution. Still, as we pensioners see more and more of our sons and daughters near retirement age while faced with that same ‘returning child’ predicament, perhaps it is up to us, the parent’s parents, to at least point out to them that it might be better to consider helping our child (no matter how old) financially if we can, rather than making life so easy for them that they get complacent.  

PB, Forest Hill