Dear LPG, 

I live with my mother.  She moved in some 15 years ago, and it has to be said that as we have each become a bit older, we have both slowed down, although she more so than I. 

She has a friend she visits often. She doesn't live very far away, and they keep each other company, which is expected. However, my mother does most of the visiting nowadays. My mum’s friend became blind about 20 years ago, and at that time, my mum spent a lot of her time helping her, but my mum is now in her early 90s and not as young as she used to be.
In the beginning, my mother’s friend lived alone and was very courageous and positive, but it is as if her blindness has gradually forced her to become a recluse. The Pandemic did not help.  Before the day centre that she attended was closed. We were all locked down. The friends she met there and the things she did there gave her a variety of things to think about and be involved in. However, like many people, after two years of lockdown, the fact that lockdown ended passed her by, and she now hardly ever leaves her home anymore. 

Her son has moved in with her, and although he's not the most domesticated person, he was a chef before giving it up to be with her and become her official carer. We have discussed her having a home care service, but she has concerns about what might be taken from her home because she is visually impaired. My mum has been her unofficial carer for so long that the need has never arisen before. 

Even though my mum’s visits are less frequent, they still phone each other at least twice every day.

When she first went blind, my mum’s friend remained someone who held strong and optimistic views about what she wanted from everyday life despite her blindness. However, the pandemic forced us all to adapt. 

She stopped going out after a couple of years, while my mother has slowed down considerably. With her son there, my mother doesn't visit as often. 

Phone calls have become more frequent over the years. I remember overhearing and taking part in telephone conversations about various everyday topics that often lasted far too long. But recently, those calls have become less welcome. It is as if the blind lady has grown quite despondent. Sometimes, my mother asks me to answer the phone and make an excuse so she can avoid the negativity until she feels more able to manage it.

One morning not so long ago, she rang my mum and told her she hadn't had breakfast because her son was too ill to make her any. My mum suggested that if her son was not feeling well himself and unable to prepare breakfast, she should call one of her other family members who lives closer to her than we do. Later in the day, there was a similar call about dinner, and my mum remained firm in her resolve not to go this time, but she could not ignore the evening call.

While my mother still feels she needs to stop being seen as the only person who can help, she decided that we should visit. When we arrived, it was clear that she was not pleased with either of the more than adequate meals her son had prepared, and another neighbour had brought her a meal she did not feel like eating either.

My mum’s friend never actually asks for help, but her complaints about things she needs or tasks that no one else can do as well as my mum used to lead to my mum’s heartstrings being pulled so much that she either worries all night or visits even though there is really nothing serious to justify such a visit.

The reason for writing all this down is that, while I care about my mum’s friend’s well-being, I cannot begin to imagine what it is like to be blind. I also see the impact this is having on my mother, who has quite a few of her own medical issues and is not as young as she once was. 
I am sure that similar situations are happening all around the world, but does anyone have any advice on how to make someone recognise the impact they are having on another person's life? 

JW, Charlton