Dear LPG,  

I wonder if readers might find what I have to say a bit cruel, but I think I have a story to offer today that all friends who do a bit of caring need to think about. 

I live with my mother, who is now in her early nineties, and she has the bad back, walking challenges and many other health issues that go with being that age.  She has a friend who I still call aunty, as old as I am, because she has been part of my life ever since I remember.  At the turn of the century my mother’s friend ignored the fact that her eyesight was not that good, in spite of a few falls and other accidents.  During the year that she retired, my honorary aunt developed glaucoma but ignored the signs for too long and by the time she visited an optician it was too late.   

It is true that, something going wrong truly tests your personality and my now blind aunt stepped  away from work having to deal with all the changes that retirement brings as well as adjusting to sight challenges.   


She became my mother’s chief retirement project at that point even though, when it all first happened, her family also rallied round.  But, by then, her nieces, nephews and children were all caught up with their work and families and my mum was her ‘right hand man’, visiting nearly every weekday.  

Then came Covid, when day centres and going out anywhere was prohibited, and when that was all over for everyone else, it was as if nothing changed for my aunt.  She never went back to the day centre and things gradually went a bit downhill, but while all this was happening, my mother’s health  issues were also accruing.   

One of my aunt’s sons went back to live with her which helped a little.  It allowed my mum to not feel the need to be there as often and, although he is not the perfect carer, she has real fears about having strangers in her home because she is unable to visually ensure that her things will not go missing.   

Many middle-aged and retired children that become a parent’s live-in companion or carer, me included at times, can attest to the fact that it can be a challenging existence as they find themselves dealing with parental dissatisfaction.  Over the years, my aunt’s son has often been seen to get things wrong and he is often told that he does not prepare the meals that she prefers.  

As the years have passed, my mum continues to visit, although not as often, and is on the telephone with her multiple times a day.  These are often heart-rending telephone calls from her, often resulting in my mother feeling the need to stop what she is doing to make another visit.  She has spent a lot of time listening to how her friend feels hard-done-by as she explains that her son is not always there, plays his music too loudly too late at night, often can’t hear when she calls because he has earphones on and never prepares the meal she wants to eat.   

More recently, her son had a fall and, for the past two weeks, he has been in hospital.  My mum continues to visit, and her friend now feels even more dejected.  Each time they talk, my mother is finding an increasingly depressed friend who is telling her stories of neglect, and, for a while, my mother has felt that her family are not stepping up to the mark. I have suggested getting professional advice, but she really does not want to be involved in that. 

It is a temporary situation, and I know that it must be incredibly difficult for my mother’s friend, but I am also worried about my mum, who is not in the first flush of youth herself. I appreciate that her friend has not seen my mum for a really long time and that she must remember her as she was 20 years ago when she first went blind and my mum (who looks a lot older and frailer but sounds exactly the same) feels that her family are not making sufficient time for her.  Since the most recent crisis, a few chats with her children and reading between the lines of those telephone calls helped my mother come to the conclusion that her family might not be as neglectful as she first thought. 

I put all this to one of her sons, only to learn that their mum is visited a lot more often than my mum thinks. My aunt continues to  insist that she does not want anyone official that she does not know in her home because she cannot see.  Talking to her reveals that  now she is not happy with anything that is going on and being alone again at nights is having a harsh effect on how she feels.  


She did have all the assessments when she first went blind but decided against accepting much of the help that social service offer.  But she is feeling particularly vulnerable while her son is away so, in spite of her insistence that she does not want any professional in her home, we have managed to talk her round to accepting a telephone consultation from social services at a time when she will not be on her own and I hope that this helps short-term. 


I think that the situation she  finds herself in is circumstantial and temporary but it cannot be that unique because so many carers do what they do alone and it all works reasonably well until something happens to the carer.  There are so many  points to be highlighted but I just want to look at four from my viewpoint: - 


Firstly, while friends have to help friends, becoming indispensable is something that no one can be indefinitely, my mother is now unable to help in the way she used to because of her age. I understand why the blind lady cannot understand  how much my mum has aged and how that impacts on the help she can give during this crisis. 

Secondly,  no matter how badly you feel for a friend, there are two sides to every story and it is vital to understand both sides. We all have family politics going on and, for any person who finds themselves alone for long periods of time.  The minutes must turn into hours and that has to be worse if you are cut off from the world through blindness. 

Thirdly, if you become housebound it is vital to try your best to stay positive.  It must be really hard to do, but no matter how badly life is treating you it is vital to be aware of the effect you are having on your friends and the people around you.  We are all getting older and if you cannot actually see, that it must be really difficult to appreciate the limitations that older age is having on your friends. 

I know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with any situation but perhaps we all have to remember that everyone has challenges as we try to put things into perspective.   

Finally , can I add a reminder for all readers to please get your eyes checked regularly even if you think that you can see perfectly.   Apart from ensuring that you can see properly, there are so many other conditions that an eye test can warn you of.  Blindness can often be avoided if the signs are caught early enough and can often be irreversible if they are not. 

DC, Brockley 

 

LPG found a little information for people in this situation…

 

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