Dear LPG, 

Here is a statistic that might interest some readers.  I recently read somewhere on the internet that 16% of people over the age of 60 double as carers for an older relative and I find myself included in that group.  Although, having done a mini-survey of my own using my friends as the sample, I suggest that the percentage is a bit higher than that.   

Some carers are there all the time and live with the person that they are caring for, but some don’t and many of those older aunts, uncles, mums, dads (weather blood relatives or adopted) are happiest when keeping their independence and getting little bits of help from a wider group of visiting carers.   

My Dad chose an apartment in a sheltered accommodation block rather than move in with any of his four children when he felt it time to stop living alone in a house that grew too big for him, and I can understand that.  He lived with my brother for a while but found that he could only tolerate the sound of his grandchildren in short bursts.  We all have children at home and after that first experience he decided that he would not do that again.  He tells that he is happier living in his own space and being king of his own castle again and we all visit and help out.   

Apart from the times that we just sit and chat. we all do things like help with the cleaning and take him shopping with the result that he just has to say what he wants and one of us will make it happen.  But beware the cared for person that pits one caring child against the other.  

I think that, as we get older we all find little things that seem to grow in importance and it has always been true that one person’s ‘end of the world as we know it’ type problem can seem completely mundane to the people around them. 

My dad has been worried about his will lately and we know this because we siblings are all preoccupied with our own lives and problems but spend a lot of time trying to make sure we are all on the same page when it comes to supporting him.  

Each of us have visited lately only to be told that one of the others has been taking a covert look at his will.  While stressing the need for secrecy, he has asked each of us to help him to make a new one and stupidly we have all done our best to comply.  My brother arranged for one of those visiting will people while I took him to a local solicitor, my other brother has been making arrangements and so it goes on.   

He managed to get all four of us to arrange the writing of four separate wills for him and perhaps, because of his stories about which one of us was having a peak at the details without his permission, we all kept our plans to ourselves.   

The wills had all been written and stored with independent will storage facilities before we each worked out what was going on and finally confronted him together.  I don’t believe that any of us know what is in the original will or any of the others that resulted.   

The reason that I told the story is this.  Our family did little more than laugh about it but we all hear about how such things can affect a whole generation in a family.  

I am one of four siblings that get on quite well although we don’t get together very often because geography, our own families and lives get in the way.   I know so many other families where what happened could well have really put the cat among the pigeons.  When I think of the potential rift that could have been caused, I think that there are a few lessons to be learned.   

Perhaps we joint carers need to make sure that we are all on the same page when it comes to Wills, Pills, Financial matters and so many other things that we help the cared for people that we visit with.  

And when it comes to being told of the need for secrecy I so wish I had asked more questions.  

Families are truly complicated institutions…  

PG. Greenwich