Dear LPG readers,  

I would like to tell a story with a moral that might be of interest.  

We all retired about ten years ago and learned that we had something in common.  We are all ladies of a certain age who live alone, but have family, and particularly children, who we are very close to but who have moved miles away. Perhaps it was those similarities which brought us together and we soon became firm friends.   

We met at a day centre originally and started a little social club of our own where one would have an idea for a day out and we all would choose a day and follow fashion.  Over the past nine years we have visited so many places in London which, though we have all lived here most of our lives, we have never got around to experiencing.  It is funny how you can spend your whole life in a city and never have the time to do anything while you are working and bringing up your children.  We have done many of the usual things such as plan theatre, museum and river boat trips and toured London on an open top bus.  Retirement is often the only time in life where we can make the time for such trips and if you are lucky enough to find a few friends to go with, that adds to the experience.  

But the dynamic has changed over the years and I was a part of something that played out the other day when a couple of my friends found ourselves visiting another who has now become housebound.  We all try to get to her once every now and then because we feel that, although we go individually, when we all go together the conversation flows more easily and there are more people to fill in the gaps.   

I know that it has been said before, but then came covid-19 and those couple of years when we all had to stay at home for a bit. But when we were all allowed out again, once the coast was clear, it was as if one of the four of us just never got the message.  Our housebound friend is not physically unable to go out, but the others of us have watched as she subtly declined invitations to join us.  The answer was to spend more time at her house but we are all so aware that there are so many other experiences to be had, and going as a threesome does not seem right.  

So we visit, drink her cups of tea and coffee, and chat about all sorts of things.  A recent conversation got us reminiscing about some of the places we have visited.  We found ourselves focussing on the funny and memorable things that have happened along the way and the conversation inevitably led to the regret that we all feel because we don’t do that anymore.  

The three of us left with a warm, fuzzy feeling, which included a tinge of regret and talked about it as we walked down the road.  We knew that we had missed a perfect opportunity to talk about the elephant in the room, but none of us did.  We agreed that we should have steered that conversation towards something that the three of us have talked about many times before: the realisation that our host was on the verge of becoming a recluse. 

We all agreed that we did not want to hurt her feelings but that perhaps we were hurting her more by not telling her what we all feel, and the conversation we had that day clearly illustrated that she enjoyed the outings as much as the rest of us.  We came to the realisation that while her family are always in contact by phone, it is easy to miss the fact that she is not getting out.  You have to be local to notice what is really going on.  

We decided on a bit of internet research, and not too much later we did have that conversation.  Armed with some outside information and a united front, it was easier to talk about, and while the first chat on the subject did not go down that well, I think that we were invited back again (because her family rarely get to visit) shows that she realised that we were trying to help. 

The hardest thing was getting her to accept that she had a problem, but in preparation for, and well in advance of setting a date, we three think that we have had a breakthrough of sorts.  It might sound silly, but we all went for a cup of coffee at the local café last week and, having had conversations about what to do in the event of a panic attack (amongst other related issues that google warned us about), we had a good, although initially anxious half-hour out.  We weren’t out for long that day, but it was a welcome start.   

I thought it might be a good idea to talk about this in case there are any other readers out there watching a friend, or even noticing the signs for themselves.   

NA, Woolwich  
 

 

 

NA shares some information about what it is like to have agoraphobia…

 

 

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… and how to help a person who has, get through it…

 

 

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