Dear LPG readers,

I am a reasonably old pensioner living with her older pensioner mum. Although she is still very independent, when I think back to 11 years ago, when she first moved in with me, it is surprising how much life has changed for us both. She only really agreed to the move because then I lived alone, and if it were not for her, we would be adding to the ‘people living alone’ statistic on two counts. 

My mother has quite a few friends who have moved in with one of their children or who have found themselves with a much older version of the child they once cared for back in that bedroom upstairs that, for quite a few years, became a spare room before reverting to its old status with a new version of its once occupant.  

I don’t see myself as a carer, although I spend a lot of time accompanying her to the hospital and other health-orientated appointments.  I am also the one who orders all those items she finds and is sure that she needs to have seen them in one of the many catalogues that constantly arrive in the post daily.    I am her ‘go-to’ person whenever she needs to visit the bank, and I also fulfil many of her chauffeuring requirements.  She remains very opinionated, but as she has become older, she tends to forget to ask all the right questions and relies on me to do that for her, not to mention making sure she arrives on time. I often get included when she is asked to dinner and other engagements, although I suspect the real reason is that no one else needs to bother about how she will arrive. But while my life has grown to revolve around her somewhat, I manage to fit a bit of my own social life into my days, too.  However, because I do not always do what I would do and do not want to leave her alone more,  I get her to tag along when I go out, too.  

Over the years, things have changed.   When she first moved in, she did a lot of the cooking and would do a lot of unnecessary housework too often.  For her, the house was never tidy enough, and I won’t even begin to tell you about the rearrangement of things that have been in my idea of the most logical of places for years but that, as time has moved on, have been moved to some odd places which are governed by some strange rules of reason.  I spend more time cooking than I used to (although I never prepare our meals quite how she would have cooked them), and she spends a lot of time telling me where I am going wrong with the housework.

I have friends who tell me how annoying that can be, and I agree because no matter how old you are, having a parent around is easier if you do as you are told, just like you did in the good old days.  I am a pensioner who finds myself saying ‘yes, mum’ for a quiet life much more than I have for the past few decades…

I am lucky though, because many friends in the same position complain that because their parents now live with them, their siblings have just left them to it.   I have two younger brothers, and they visit us (her) regularly.  I have many a friend who complains that, if they are the ‘child’ their parent ends up living with, their siblings leave everything to them.  Geography is often blamed as brothers and sisters move further away from their childhood neighbourhoods these days, and the younger siblings who are still working always use that ‘you are retired and have all the time in the world’ excuse when telling you that they don’t have the time to do more than they do. 

We all have busy lives, and the others often let the one get on with it.

 My brother is willing to tell me what I am doing wrong in caring for our mum. He will tell me that I am not preparing the right foods for her or that I should not allow her to continue doing things that are perhaps not as safe for her as they once were.  

They put you in a ‘caring’ role rather than a ‘being there’ role and forget that mum or dad has a mind of their own and that they are the parents. While you can suggest and tell them your ideas, just because they live with you does not mean that your job is to tell them what they are and are not allowed to do. 

Perhaps my message goes out to all those brothers and sisters who don’t live with their parents, with a plea not to leave the one who does, to be responsible for everything.  Caring can also be about not assuming the live-in sibling is a carer.   Being there can often be the most essential part of the role… 

CC, Dulwich