Dear LPG,

Now and then, I look at some of your past posts. I recently read XX’s story, which features a toilet (►►►), and it left me feeling the need to add another related tale to the mix.   I think I will call this one the ultimate toilet experience.  

Ever since time immemorial, necessity and nature have dictated two of the most fundamental pastimes of every creature that has walked, crawled, swum, or flown this earth. We have always had to eat and drink, and a biological law dictates that what goes in must eventually come out.  

This all happened when I was a very much younger man than I am now.  I became an architect when I left school and was not bad at my job.  Before I knew it, I had found a very lucrative position with excellent lodgings, sunny weather, and a good wage. What more could anyone ask for?    The company I chose to work for specialised in oil production. This was a long time ago, 1982 to be exact, when there was still a fair amount to go around, and even the UK had its fair share, but there were also serious reserves southeast of us.  

I chose to spend a few years designing living accommodations for oil workers in Sudan. Although I was based in Khartoum, most of the oil was a couple of hundred miles south of there. This is where the accommodation was being built, and it was in its very early stages of construction. As you can imagine, a daily commute was involved, and the journey from my apartment to the construction site was quickest by plane.  

We in the UK have recently experienced a few hot summers, but they have nothing on the summers over there. Being there gives the need to drink heavily and sweat heavily a whole new meaning, but for all the sweating, when you have to go, you have to go.  

On the day in question, I was leaving the site where the facilities were some distance from the airport’s pick-up point when we got the news that my plane-ride-home had broken down. I was to be sent a substitute, which somewhat put my usual after-work schedule out.   I have to say that I did feel a slight need, but nothing urgent.  I was told that my new transport was expected at any time, and picking me up had to be done as quickly as possible once it touched down.  

As with buses, the transport dilemma is the same worldwide.  You stay by the stop because you know that the minute you find yourself beyond the point of no return, your ride is bound to materialise, and I was determined not to make the plane one minute later than it already had to be.  Even though I was to be the only passenger at this particular stop, I did not want to hold things up, so I decided to wait. I was sure I could handle the 90-minute journey back to my apartment and a toilet I would feel at home using.  

But when it finally arrived, I realised that they had sent a somewhat antiquated Dakota which was more of a cargo plane, and getting home was going to be a lot slower than the  time that I was used to.  

Halfway through the journey, things were dire!  It was a case of telling someone or dampening the inside of the plane.  We only travelled at about 170 mph (relatively slow for any aircraft in flight).   

When I explained the situation to the appropriate authorities, I was introduced to something that had been well tried and tested before, according to the staff on board.

As we flew low over uninhabited territory, the pilot ensured my safety by securing me to the plane before opening the back doors for a unique solution to my predicament.  

Only men were on the plane, so it was much like using your average urinal. I have never before or since aimed at such a picturesque moving target (even though it was me and the plane doing the moving). But I think it was the most bizarre toilet experience ever unless there is a reader with another toilet tale to tell…

BV, Catford.

While BV's story is undoubtedly entertaining, it also reminds us that bladder control can become a significant issue as we age. LPG is here to share BV’s story and provide a link to a helpful resource for those needing quick access to a toilet facility.

(►►►)    (►►►)