Dear LPG, 

I have a message that everyone needs to check their position on. 

I regularly visit someone who lives alone and who has mobility problems, which results in the fact that he now can’t leave his home without a lot of help, and consequently, rarely does. From our chats when I visit, I have worked out that I am perhaps the only person, other than his daily carers, who visits him and every time I say goodbye and leave, I feel sad because I know I am leaving him alone again and that there is nothing he can do about it.

You can learn so much by spending time with such a person because even though I try my best to be upbeat when I visit, that does not always work.  I steer clear of talking about personal topics by encouraging him to watch television programs or read magazines that we can talk about. Still, no matter where I try to guide our conversations, all too often, we end up having some deep and very personal talks during my visits. 

He likes to talk about himself, and it is the things that he does not say at first which steer our conversations to show just how down and dejected he must feel. For me, the saddest thing is that he is not short of money or family, but despite the smiles he tries to show me when I visit, I cannot help but feel that he must be a wretched man. 

We were talking about one of his sons one day, not so long ago. He speaks of him fondly and often talks about how well his boy has done for himself, but on that day, he dropped just one sentence into the conversation which caught my attention.  He said that his son would not be getting any money from his will. 

I have worked out that he has four children, none of whom he sees that often and two of whom he is so upset with that he does not want to see them or have anything to do with them ever again. He talks like a patriarch who is penalising those two sons, even though it is he who is missing out on their presence in his present life. He told me about some incidents and arguments which happened years ago.  

I know that I am looking at his situation from an objective point of view, and that I don’t know the people he is talking about. I only have his version of events to go by, but although I can understand what upset him to the point that he has taken such a stand, I so wish, and continue to try to get him to see that life is too short for such feuds.  

I keep reminding him that they might be able to use his money, but, having done so well in their own lives, they sound as if they will not miss it, and that he is the one who is missing out, really, by not being the bigger person. 

It is something that, by the time most people get to become octogenarians, they are perhaps more equipped to teach and talk about because they will have experienced something similar or been able to observe for themselves. 

Let’s face it, we are now seeing such problems in our celebrities and even the Royal Family, and if they have them as openly as they do these days, I feel we too can own the ones around us more openly. I am not too proud to mention that hearing the man I visit talk of the subject has made me look at a few of the strained relationships that are more than evident in my family circle. 

I know that times are changing, but some things stay the same through the generations. I defy anyone with a family to honestly be able to report that there is not one family dispute happening between at least a couple of its members.

I am trying to encourage my friend to be the bigger person. Still, perhaps it is up to us older members to pick up the phone (if the repair is needed in a personal rift) or knock our feuding family members’ heads’ together and get them to take the initiative by trying our best to be the middleman (if we are seeing a couple of the other members who could do with a wakeup call).

 
 LF, Grove Park

LPG has found some possibly helpful information on the internet…

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