Dear LPG readers, 

While I don't advocate cruelty to any animal, I found these instructions on Facebook and thought those who don't have access to that website might like to see them anyway…  I hope that it injects a smile into your day, and my personal instruction has to be…. Enjoy, but remember that there are a few other tried-and-tested methods you can try…

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL: 

1) Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position the right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while holding the pill in the right hand. As the cat opens its mouth, pop a pill into its mouth. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa. Cradle the cat in the left arm and repeat the process.

3) Retrieve the cat from the bedroom and throw the soggy pill away.

4) Take a new pill from the foil wrap, cradle the cat in your left arm, holding the rear
paws tightly with your left hand. Force the jaws open and push the pill to the back of the mouth with the right forefinger. Hold the mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of the wardrobe. Call your spouse from the garden.

6) Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged firmly between your knees, hold the front and rear paws. Ignore the low growls emitted by the cat. Get your spouse to hold their head firmly with one hand while you force a wooden ruler into their mouth. Drop the pill down the ruler and rub the cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve the cat from the curtain rail and get another pill from the foil wrap.
Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set them aside for glueing later.

8)  Wrap the cat in a large towel and get the spouse to lie on the cat with the head just visible from below the armpit. Put the pill inside the end of the drinking straw, force the mouth open with a pencil and blow down the drinking straw.

9) Check the label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take the taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve the cat from the neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place the cat in the cupboard and close the door on its neck, leaving the head showing. Force the mouth open with a dessert spoon—Flick the pill down the throat with an elastic band.

11) Fetch a screwdriver from the garage and put the cupboard door back on the hinges. Drink beer. Fetch a bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply a cold compress to the cheek and check the records for the date of the last tetanus shot. Apply a whiskey compress to the cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw the T-shirt away and fetch a new one from the bedroom.

12) Call the fire brigade to retrieve the f***** cat from the tree across the road. Apologise to the neighbour who crashed into the fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take the last pill from the foil wrap.

13) Tie the little b*****'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to the leg of the dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push the pill into the mouth, followed by a large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold the head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down the throat to wash the pill down.

14) Consume the remainder of the Scotch. Get your spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while the doctor stitches your fingers and forearm and removse pill remnants from your right eye. Call the furniture shop on the way home to order a new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call the local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

Wrap it in cheese...

  
On a personal note, it must be stated that my little heathen is a big cat and weighs in at 30 pounds, with 1-inch fangs, claws to match and absolutely no sense of humour. 

On a personal, and even more serious, note, the safest way is to crush it to powder if possible, put it in the middle of their favourite food, and watch while they (hopefully) eat it all up. Does anyone else have any suggestions? 

RO, London.

If you are about to, or have recently, become a cat owner please note that the above is not designed to put you off.  Just in case you are about to attempt this task for the first time LPG found some more enlightening, less painful methods for you to try…

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